LAWYER (AND OTHER) JOKES

 

At Scribbles we put lawyer jokes in every issue and have been doing so for the last nine or ten years. We have many books of these and have searched the Internet far and wide to get more. Now, we gotta tell you that at Scribbleswe are not much for political correctness. And, some of these jokes may be a bit off-color or have bad words in them (or both). If those things don’t worry you, have fun. After all, these jokes have stood the test of time. Why, Alexander the Great told some of them to Genghis Khan and they were old then! Remember, the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible says that there is nothing new under the sun!

A big city Ohio lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it

fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,

an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator

responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick

Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the damned duck."

 

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A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.  Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, " South Carolina .""Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain: 1. Taxes 2. Death 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

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A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it =s lead by

a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man,

AWhat =s going on? @ AMy lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral, @ is the reply. ACould I borrow your lion? @ asks the bystander. AI =ve got a lawyer I =d like to have eaten. @ ASorry, but you =ll have to get at the end of that line, @ said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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A recent admittee to the bar accepted a job at a prestigious law firm in Los Angeles. Many law firms competed for the new attorney because of his top class ranking and because of his well known wit and intellect as shown while he was editor of hisschool's law review. The new

attorney was stowing his carry on luggage in the overhead compartment when he notices a very attractive woman coming down the aisle towards him. The attorney takes his seat just as the woman stops, checks her seat assignment and sits down right next to him. The attorney is on cloud nine. Three hours sitting next to a goddess. It was sheer heaven the attorney thought to himself. Eager to strike up a conversation with the woman, he asks "Business or vacation?"

With a warm smile the woman turns towards him and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nyphomaniac Convention in L.A." The young attorney can't believe his luck. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him and heading to a convention for nyphomaniacs! Woooohooooo!! Pondering for a moment about what this beautiful woman might be doing at the convention his curiosity gets the best of him. Retaining his court like composure, the attorney asks, "What's your role at the convention if I may so bold to ask?" A coy question fit for the supreme court he thought. "Lecturer," she replied. "I use my

experience to debunk some of the most popular myths about sexuality." "Really," hesays, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most endowed when, in fact, it's Native American Indian men

who are most likely to possess that trait. Of course, Southern men are far more sexy than Northern men. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers in the world, when in actuality, it's men of Jewish descent that ..." Suddenly, the woman stops in mid‑sentence and becomes embarrassed about her rambling and begins to blush." "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't even be discussing this with a you. You're a total stranger. I don't even know your name." Smiling, the bright attorney offers his hand for an introductory handshake and says, "Oh, by all means, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Geronimo ‑‑ Geronimo Goldstein! But, my friends call me Bubba!"

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Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or

implied, these best wishes for an environmentally

safe, socially responsible, low stress, non

addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the

winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most

enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with

respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,

or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and

further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically

uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but

not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the

calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended

without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious

faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

“Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

“I was a good father,” he answers. “Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.” St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, “C’mon, Penny, let’s get out of here.”

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A lawyer seeks consolation from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive

drinking. Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking." Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!" A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar. Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again." Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water." Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."

The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again.

This is not water. It is wine.” Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!”

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A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10; Braised Reporter $12; Fried Diplomat $15

Barbecued Lawyer $110. A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”

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St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got tothe gate, St. Peter informed three souls seeking admission that there would be a test to get into Heaven: they each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate, saying “Go ahead.”.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all thestink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

***********

Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. "Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?" The first person said, "I've prepared for this moment for 73 years."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'God'." "G-O-D,” the man said. "Very good, enter your eternal reward, my son." "That was easier than I thought it would be," the second person said, "I'll take my test now." "Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'love'." "L-O-V-E," the woman said. "Excellent, my daughter. Enter your eternal reward." The third person, a lawyer, said, "Boy, is this gonna be a snap. Give me my test." "Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."

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The beloved rabbi is getting older, and his hands are not as steady as they once were. For a man who performs the bris (religious circumcision ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's having trouble getting insurance. Finally, his lawyer contacts him with the good news: "We've gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!" "What's that?" asks the rabbi. The lawyer replies, "A one-inch deductible!"

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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man hurried to his lawyer's office and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how she presents her case." After the usual preliminaries, the parties appeared in court ready for trial. The prostitute's lawyer addressed the court first, "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant obtained exclusive possession of the property, using it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted and exclusive property and we ask that judgment be granted for plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.” The defendant's lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered the opening remarks for a moment and stood to present his off-the-cuff version of the case, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that he rented such property for a period of time, and that he even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All equipment belonging to my client and all labor being performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were sufficient to effect an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value of such property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff and that the defendant be awarded his attorney's fees and costs incurred in the defense of this frivolous action." The prostitute's lawyer replied, "If it pleases the court your Honor, my client agrees

that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented the property. Furthermore, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but left the well with a hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small children, thereby creating a possible danger to the health and general welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested in the complaint.The Court awarded Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!

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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE! A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him. The Ranger announced, "You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger becoming itchy on the trigger. However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina. "What did

he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly asked. To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!"

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Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers. They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer. When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks

over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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In the rest room an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan,

we were taught to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from USC

California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Wyoming and

they taught us not to pee on our hands.

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Two lawyers, Lawrence and Milton, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Lawrence offers Milton a bet. "Let's say we bet $50." Milton agrees and they're off. They are having a great game. After the 8th hold, Milton is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into

the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Lawrence. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Milton pulls a

ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. Lawrence looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?""What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Lawrence said. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the

last five minutes!"

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10 Things That Sound Dirty in Law, but Really Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement.....

1. Think you can get me off?

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A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said.

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A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said," Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it."I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before." The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his

starving family and it was his first and only offense. "Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?" "Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but it’s better than Bald Eagle!"

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When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and

the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby

and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second

part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a

result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the

lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging

from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an

area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning

of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the

party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the

aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be

limited to, the following steps:

1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without

elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or

any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (

Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a

counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light

Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part

("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the

option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a

manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal

statutes.

3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the

first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation

of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation

shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures

described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to

note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this

point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of

the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons

authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible

revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

***********

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town

square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the

ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,

covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

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Johnny appeared as a witness in a lawsuit. The attorney asked, "Where were you on the night of July 10?" "Your Honor, I object," yelled the counsel for the defense. "That's all right, go ahead and ask me," said Johnny. The prosecutor repeated the question and again the defense

objected. "Hey. Why shouldn't he ask me?" said Johnny. "I'll answer." The judge said, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the attorney again

repeated the question, "Where were you on the night of July 10?" Johnny said, "I don't know."

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The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . . " Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that bitch? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy."

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A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer. "No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s

starting to rain."

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Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's

dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.

The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one

of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!" "Well," the other hunter replied, "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

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Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?" The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

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There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, 'Where do you work?' The man said, 'Here and there.'

The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?' The man said, 'This and that.'

The judge then said, 'Take him away.' The man said, 'Wait, judge when will I get out?'

The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later.'

***********

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was

asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned

bull came home this morning."

***********

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a

standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and

hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,' What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?' The man replied, 'I am a Lawyer"

***********

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed

with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So, instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under

Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?" "Yes," she replies. The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?" "Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says. The lawyer replied hesitantly, "Uh, is this 555-8234?"

***********

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. Curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending

out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' " “Why?" asks the man. I am a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

***********

An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately

preceding the Nativity festival,

throughout a certain dwelling unit,

quiet descended, in which could be heard

no disturbance, not even the sound

emitted by a diminutive rodent related

to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the

occupants had affixed their tubular,

closely knit coverings for the nether

limbs to the flue of the fireplace in

expectation that a personage known as

St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become

somnolent, and were entertaining re:

saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the

family, et ux, attired in proper

headgear, had also become quiescent in

anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy

acreage outside aroused the owner to

investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most

unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled

by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a

species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman

was entreating the aforesaid animals by

their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is

requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and

Vixen; and collective action by you will

be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,

Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,

there occurred a swift descent to the

hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,

where he proceeded to deposit gratuities

in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:

that upon completion of these acts,

and upon his return to his original

point of departure, he proclaimed

a felicitation of the type prevalent

and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a

Good Night!

***********

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite

extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled

them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog. "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

**********

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to

smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere

in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

***********

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it. A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began tor rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed.

He's in a body cast and traction , with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

***********

In the rest room an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan;

we were taught to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from USC

California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Wyoming and

they taught us not to pee on our hands.

***********

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out; heaven knows where to...

More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said:

"Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

***********

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University

of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was

so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the

Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of

enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So

we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to

increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God".

***********

An elderly spinster called the Attorney about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and will. The Lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in

assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her

husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished. Tell her it will be $5,000 for an hours worth of service."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for well over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow morning! She's going to let the County bury her!"

***********

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

***********

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

***********

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that? she asked". He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

***********

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.” “But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking

down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the

road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he

would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy

priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down

the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there

was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and

narrowly missed the lawyer. Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck d driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

***********

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for." First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish. The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

***********

List: Sh*t Happens! :

Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Islam: Shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Buddhism: This is only an illusion of shit happening.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?

Journalism: I hope shit happens to everyone. Then I can write about it.

***********

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you

get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose

whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed

away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times. After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she

knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven. The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and

there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."

***********

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.

In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.

In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.

In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.

In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

***********

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"

***********

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

***********

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give

me the nut." He broke the shell in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

***********

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal

torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a

beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all

eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man

with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

***********

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments,

had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The

attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers

grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of

arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed

to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this

point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the

other." "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying.

What is there to prevent it?"

***********

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world

so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people

would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate

wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief,

disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you.

People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get

blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but

give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop

blaming me?" And so God created lawyers.

***********

The other day a lawyer remarked to a friend, “I just finished a puzzle and it only took me

five months.” “Five months?” her friend asked. “That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle.” “Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.”

***********

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a

young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your

wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a

rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything

mre than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes. I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practiced is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.

Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

***********

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, one sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the

physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When the attorney returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between professions?This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

***********

There were three doctors at a party. They were all talking to each other, and the first doctor said to the other two " You know, I just did an operation on an accountant right after the 15th, and I opened her up and did the operation and everything added up." The second one said "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just did an operation on a librarian. I opened her up and everything

was in its place. you cant beat the Dewey Decimal system." The third doctor then said " You guys are missing out! I do operations on lawyers. You open them up, they are gutless, heartless, and spineless. Plus their head and their ass are interchangeable!"

***********

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"

***********

An attractive, though somewhat middle-aged woman went to visit her doctor. She advised her doctor that she would soon be married, and of course the doctor gave her a thorough exam. Thankfully, there were no problems, and the doctor gave her a clean bill of health.

In fact, the doctor, who had been caring for this woman for some time, was quite puzzled. He said to her, "I'm really happy or you, and hope that your marriage will be successful. But you

know, you've been married twice before, and I couldn't help but notice that you are still a virgin!"

The woman grinned and replied, "Its not really such a mystery doctor. The truth is that my first husband, he was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was to look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it." At this, the woman sighed, and then brightened as she said, "But my new husband is a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm gonna get screwed!"

***********

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I

have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, Attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

***********

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."

***********

TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS

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3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton

***********

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of

us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

***********

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news

first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I

can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress."

***********

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

***********

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

***********

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three

identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs

$1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen her do a thing, but the other two call her Senior Partner."

***********

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu

chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST

THREE WEEKS!"

***********

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual

income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband was killed in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I

had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"... And since I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

***********

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

***********

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room

n a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with

tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could

have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'

Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane

in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit

the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher

court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the

scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney

stone?"

***********

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old

man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few

days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all

expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was

hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!' The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long- distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!' 'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?' 'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised and drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!' 'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed,

'why so expensive?' 'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

***********

It seems there was this circuit court judge up in the Bronx who was prone to "having a few" on his way home from work. Well, after a particularly stressful day, the judge went a little overboard and passed out in the subway. When he woke up, he discovered that he had puked all over his overcoat. The judge was quite embarrassed, and when he finally made it home,

he told his wife that a wino had puked on him on his way home. His wife was growing tired of his late night cavorting, so she just paid no attention to him. The next night, on his way home,

the judge got to thinking that his wife really didn't believe his little lie about the wino, so he came up with a brilliant little "back-up" story to bolster his case. "Honey, you won't believe

this!" he said as he burst through the door, "I just had the most incredible stroke of luck.

You remember the wino that puked on my overcoat?" "Yes" she said without looking at him.

"Well, I had him in my courtroom today. He was up on vagrancy charges, so I threw the book at him! I sentenced him to 60 days in jail!" the judge said proudly. "Sixty days!?!" his wife

answered, "I'd say you let him off kind’a easy. Not only did he puke on your coat, he also shit in your pants, too."

***********

One day the mobster realized his books were short three million dollars. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the deaf accountant, he screamed, "You tell this no-good I want to know where my money is!" The brothers conversed briefly, the lawyer signing very quickly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about. Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this no-good that he lets me know, right now, where the damn money is or I'll blow his brains out!" The lawyer signed this to his brother, who immediately explained, in frantic sign language, that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps. "Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster. The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the nerve."

***********

A lawyer walks into his client's cell on death row and says, "I've got good news and bad news for you." Client says, "Okay, What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the governor won't issue a stay of execution." "That's awful. What could possibly be the good news?" "THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I GOT YOUR VOLTAGE REDUCED!”

***********

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my new BMW!!!", he shrieked. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" “Oh my Gosh....", replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "We gotta find it. It has my Rolex!"

***********

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them

belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said,

"Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making

him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

***********

A blonde and a lawyer end up sitting next to each other on a plane. As the plane takes off the lawyer says to the blonde, "I have this game that we could play. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you pay me $500. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll pay you $500." The blonde was tired and had no desire to play this little game so she brushed him off and turned toward the window to get some sleep. The lawyer was a little put-off by this and wasn't about to give up. "Okay," he said, "How about we make it $50 instead of the $500.

Once again the blonde had no interest and was annoyed that he would not let her sleep. The lawyer, becoming more irritated at her lack of interest decided to make one last attempt. "I'll tell you what, I'll pay you $100 and you only have to pay me $5. How does that sound?"

Realizing that she wasn't going to get any sleep until she played this little game of his she became interested in this last offer. Finally agreeing to the game she said, "Alright, you go first."

Elated the Lawyer asked "What is the capital of Chile?" "I don't know" said the Blonde, "here is your $5." "Now for my question. What crawls up a hill on three legs but comes down on four legs?" The lawyer quickly gets on his laptop and checks every website he could think of but can't find any answers. He then pulls out his cellular phone and calls every lawyer he knows but none of them can give him an answer either. Finally an hour later he gives up and wakes the blonde up. "Here’s your hundred bucks. It seems you have stumped me. What is the answer to your question?" "I don't know," replied that blonde. "Here is $5!"

***********

After years of assisting more senior attorneys at trial, a young lawyer was finally allowed to try a case on her own. Determined not to lose, she prepared furiously. The trial went on for eight exhausting days. Finally, the case went to the jury, which quickly returned with a verdict in favor of her client. Ecstatic, the attorney phoned the firm's managing partner, and the moment he was on the line announced, "It's me! The jury just came back, and justice has prevailed!" The managing partner gasped, stammering, "Appeal at once."

***********

After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the lawyer. "I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends." The lawyer looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

***********

During the frontier days, travelers often found themselves seeking shelter from fearsome weather. Sometimes, there was no shelter to be found, and they would press forward, hoping to find a respite before they succumbed to the elements. On a stormy winter's nights, a man staggered into an inn. The innkeeper helped the man to a table, and got him some hot food. "I'm terribly sorry that I can't seat you next to the fire, sir, but court is in session and the lawyers are occupying that space." As the man ate, and warmed up, he thanked the innkeeper for his hospitality. One of the lawyers commented to the man, "Why stranger, by the looks of you, you traveled through hell and back in order to get here." "That's right," said the man. "It is?" asked the lawyer. "Tell us then, how did you find things in hell?" "Just like here," the man replied, "lawyers all closest to the fire."

***********

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be

using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

***********

A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life. The attorney turned to the preacher and asked " How do you do it, pastor?" The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness." The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?" The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are

your father the devil, he was a LAWYER from the beginning.'" Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, " Well, how did you handle it.?" The preacher replied, "It was

such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on."

***********

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated

lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared

the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would

be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was

horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. But I did send them,"

replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card with them!"

***********

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a

controversial case....And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his

face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

***********

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke

down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked." At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply

disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

**********

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice!"

***********

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing

that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a

drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the

lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drinkyourself?"

asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

***********

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

Employer: "We have more than we can use already."

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a

clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your

qualifications."

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, " Before I would work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney; have a seat, we may have an opening."

***********

DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A PROBLEM. I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family. Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time

for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem

is this... If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise ...

***********

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?" "NO! I'm an asshole!"

***********

A lawyer and his attractive female client are in private consultation. "Kiss me," she says.

“No," replies the attorney, "that would be unprofessional." "Oh, please, just kiss me," she whispers. "No, I can't. It would be a violation of professional ethics," the lawyer says.

"Oh, I really want you to kiss me," she murmurs. "No, I can't! Don't ask me to," says the lawyer. "I probably shouldn't even be screwing you!"

***********

She: You just don’t care anymore!

He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make

you feel better?

She: Like what?

He: How about a trip to Europe?

She: No.

He: What about a new Jaguar?

She: No.

He: Well, what DO you want?

She: A divorce.

He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

***********

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a

singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he

found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great! I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

***********

A lawyer trying to get tickets to Rent, the blockbuster show of

the year, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.

When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the

lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such

a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his

wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have

relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied,

"Oh, they're all at her funeral."

***********

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he

had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.

“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six

months of your life.”